It was all going fine, no confusions, no dilemmas. School was done. It was the end of an era. And now I could finally recline and stare up at the ceiling, dreaming about my years ahead...far away from school and science...far away from postulates and proofs. There was so much to do! I had books to read, stories to write, places to go, things to do....all left undone since school got in the way, since the study schedule did not permit the things I most wanted.
For two years I've constantly had these two thoughts in mind- "I don't want this." and the other...well, "I hate chemistry." Now was the time I could finally put it all behind me. Yep. Now was the time for a fresh new start.
Here I was, busy clearing my table of all the science textbooks, of course I wouldn't need them anymore would I?! I was bidding them goodbye. Them and the endless exhausting hours of brainstorming questions I only partly understood. That and my sister's big fat reference books stacked up in the dusty lower rack that I never bothered to open. Yes, I was bidding goodbye to them all. I would finally dive into the world of words and be lost in there, where I belonged. Until then maybe, I would blog my way to happiness, celebrating what little I gained from here.
This was the moment I craved for, for two long years - no - for two enduring , stressful, tiring long years ! That's right, it was all over, and it was all going fine....until that one phone call.
"He-hello ma'am? I'm not sure if I heard you right..."
"You heard it right! You're the school topper in science ! Congratulations !! "
I stood there, dumb and feeling stupid. Here I was, all geared up to run away from something I'd surpassed all others in my school. Well of course I've always had the nerd title upon me, and I told people that marks don't assess intelligence. I was the textbook nerd, who never was interested enough to venture beyond what we learnt in school. While there were the others who were interested solely in understanding things, who were fascinated enough to discover more and ask 'why'. Sometimes I wish I had taken that interest myself, but then these things aren't forced. When I do try to indulge from without, all I can think of are the things I'm missing out on from my other dream world.
I told myself I know zilch in science, because I wasn't like them. They had that spark when they were learning but I didn't. They know more than I do but I have marks more than they do. Because I was that textbook girl, and this was what was wrong with the system. This phone call did not make any difference. But it did tell me that for someone uninterested, I had done frighteningly well for the exams.
Did that mean that I am choosing wrong? Did it mean I was making a terrible mistake by not even giving it a shot? Must I just ignore the intuitions I had in the past few years?
Yet another phone call, yet another message, yet another praise for my feat. They ask me about my plan ahead and I smile and try to avoid a complicated explanation. Surely, I may be called insane and even naive for letting go of science ? But if you were to ask me if I still wish to take the risk of switching streams, I'd say yes. Because in the end, I know that that is where I'd reach, for that was where I belonged.
Come what may, anything is an adventure, and if it seems like a burden, I shall make that a challenge. No matter which way I choose to go, words shall always be with me, for it isn't something I can ever lose. And it is that very thought that leaves me at peace.
Thanks to the phone call, I now have absolutely no clue what to say when the next person asks me about my future plans. I suppose the best I can say is "Wait and watch!"
Jee haan, picture abhi baki hai mere dost!